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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25135942">Nothing to Fear</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnxiouslyGoing/pseuds/AnxiouslyGoing'>AnxiouslyGoing</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Blood and Injury, Discussion of Past Abuse, Discussions of Suicide, Hurt/Comfort, Implied Past Suicidal Ideation, M/M, Non-Graphic Violence, Other, Serious Injuries, references to events of into darkness</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-07</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 03:53:56</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Not Rated</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,758</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25135942</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnxiouslyGoing/pseuds/AnxiouslyGoing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>When Bones is seriously injured on an away mission and facing down death, he makes a decision that leaves Jim feeling hurt and afraid for his friend. And Len finds he has fears of his own to deal with.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>QPR McKirk</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>24</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. One Last Time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Once again, huge shout out to BeautyGraceOuterSpace for giving me the prompt that started this fic.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>He never was good at hand to hand, Len thought ruefully as he pressed his hand against his side. He groaned at the pressure on the gaping wound just under his ribs. He had to keep pressure, however bad it hurt, he had to keep pressure. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not that it would really do him much good. He had minutes, if he was lucky. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And he never did have much luck.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leonard grit his teeth, that had always been Jim. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>This would kill him. Leonard snorted at himself, of all the things in life he'd felt guilty for he'd never expected his death to be on that list. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leonard managed to tug out his communicator. "Jim, ya there?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Bones! There you are! The away team lost sight of you. Where'd you go?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah," he chuckled. "Sorry. I, uh, I just took a spill-" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Are you hurt?" Jim demanded. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jim, relax. I'm- I'm alright." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're lying." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jim, I'm just a little out of breath." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was a pause. "You hit your head didn't you?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Len chuckled. "Yeah, I did. But really, I'm ok. I'll be up in just a minute." He could practically see Jim shaking his head in amused frustration. Half a smirk on that goofy face of his, trying to convince himself he was more annoyed at the situation than he actually was. Len had never realized just how much he enjoyed getting Jim to make that face. It wasn't often that he got to do it. Usually it was the other way around. It was petty, but Len did feel pretty smug about it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're ok though?" Jim questioned. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Right as rain." Leonard grinned when Jim laughed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Thought I told you no more metaphors." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Ah, well, you know me. Ever the rebellious one." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You've done maybe two rebellious things in your life." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey!" Len shot back in faux indignation. "I snuck your sorry tail onto the Enterprise, didn't I?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Fine, three." Jim probably rolled his eyes at that. Len let out a heavy sigh. He'd never see those glassy blue eyes again. "Bones, what's wrong?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Nothin'!" Len tried to sound irritated, normally it came easily, right now he felt guilty for it. He didn't want the last thing he said to Jim to be snappy. "What, suddenly I'm not allowed to be frustrated at taking a spill?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There was another pause, Len was sure he had overplayed his hand. "Yeah, you definitely have a concussion." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jim, I'm a doctor. I think I'd know when somethin' was wrong with me." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Oh, yeah? Like that time you definitely didn't have pneumonia?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Can it, kid, that was one time." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, one time that landed you in the hospital for two days." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're starting to sound like me, kid." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, well, you know what they say about imitation." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I love you too, Jim, but I don't plan on pickin' up all your bad habits." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You smuggled me onto starship while I was on probation," Jim pointed out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There wasn't much time at all now. "I said 'all'. Hey, look, Jim. I'm gonna start heading to the rendezvous point. I'll- I'll see you soon, ok?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Keep me updated on your progress. Don't want you falling with a concussion," Jim sounded half serious. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, alright. I still don't have a concussion though, " Len sighed. "See ya soon, Jim, love you." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim snorted. "Sure you don't. Love you too, Bones. See you soon." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The communicator slipped from Len's hand. He didn't realize how heavy it was till he wasn't holding it anymore. He looked at his bloody wound and tears started down his cheeks. He'd almost even convinced himself he'd be up and around to meet the rest of the away team. He felt bad for lying to Jim, but it felt like the kinder thing to do. Help was too far away. There was no sense in scaring the kid. At least they'd gotten to talk one last time. At least he'd gotten to hear Jim's voice. Len's chest tightened, he should've thanked Jim for his nickname. It had taken him a while to come around to it, but he really did like Jim calling him 'Bones', it had given him a new sense of identity, it was like permission somehow to start over again. Jim had taken him in with all his baggage, and helped him start over despite all the baggage Jim carried on his own. There was an understanding between them, but now... Leonard wished he'd said thank you for all that. His eyes fluttered as he struggled to keep them open. At least he'd gotten to say "I love you" one last time.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Never Again</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Leonard felt warm. Which seemed strange, he never expected to feel warm at the end. He'd been bleeding out, there was nothing left in him to carry warmth.  He should have been ice cold, but there he lay in the blackness, warm as if he were back in his own bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Something closed around his hand. "Bones, hey, you with me?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Len groaned and turned toward the voice. It was Jim's voice. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It was nice to hear again, Len sighed a little. If this was his last minutes of consciousness, maybe the next part wouldn't be so bad either. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"C'mon, man, I know you can hear me. You're almost there, Bones, c'mon, buddy wake up." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leonard scrunched his face. Wake up? The grip on his hand tightened. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's it, c'mon," Jim's voice encouraged. "Open your eyes, Bones. I know you can hear me." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leonard frowned as his eyes fluttered open. "Jim?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim puffed out a relieved sigh and dove into Len's arms. "You're ok," Jim breathed, trying not to choke on a sob welling in his chest. "You're ok. You're ok, you're safe. You're ok." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Jim?" Len asked again. "Jim, what happened?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're an idiot and a terrible liar!" Jim sat up. "What were you thinking?" He demanded. "Why didn't you tell me? We could have gotten to you sooner! We- I- I almost lost you, Bones. Why didn't you want help?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim's broken voice was nearly enough to break Len's heart. "I'm sorry, kid," he breathed. "I knew it was bad. I didn't wanna give you a false hope. I didn't think help would get there in time." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So you just decided-" the words caught in Jim's throat, the anger behind them fizzling out as tears started from electric blue eyes. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leonard reached for him and Jim met him halfway. "I'm sorry, Jim. I'm so sorry. I was just trying to protect you," he murmured. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You had no right- no right to do that to me. How could you lie to me like that? I knew you were hurt. I knew it. You can't lie to me. You can't-" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Shhh. Jim, take a deep breath. Breathe, sweetheart." Len ran a hand up and down Jim's spine. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Don't ever do that to me again. Please. Please, don't- please." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I promise." Len blinked away his own tears, he'd promise anything, anything to calm Jim, anything to stop him from hurting. He hugged Jim a little tighter. "I promise, Jim, I won't. I won't. I'm sorry, darlin', I'm so sorry." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>For a long time they stayed like that, simply holding onto one another, taking comfort and reassurance in the other's steady breathing and warmth. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I could have you court martialed for lying to a commanding officer," Jim sniffed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Len smiled and planted a kiss to the top of Jim's head. "Go ahead. In fact, I dare ya too." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're fired." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I love you too, Jim."</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Broken Trust Goes Both Ways</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Leonard sighed when he found the Captain waiting for him in his quarters. "Captain," he greeted conversationally. "What can I do for you?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You owe me an explanation," Jim answered from his stiff position on the couch.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Can't say I know what for, Captain," Len replied, equally stiff as he took a spot down the couch from Jim. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You promised you'd talk to me if it got bad again. You promised-" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That's not what it was, Jim," Len interrupted quietly. "It wasn't- I wasn't being suicidal." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then what was it?" Jim demanded "what were you thinking not telling me how bad it was?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I imagine, I was thinking somethin' similar to what you were thinking when you asked Scotty not to call me. I wasn't- I really was trying to protect you. I really didn't expect to get help in time and I didn't want to make you watch me die." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We could've gotten to you sooner! It wouldn't have been such a close call!" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I know. And I'm really sorry that I scared you, but...I can't apologize for what I did. Not anymore than you would. Look, whether you believe me or not, I wasn't trying to die. I've been doing good, and I'd say something if I wasn't. Jim, you'd </span>
  <em>
    <span>know</span>
  </em>
  <span> if something was off with me." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"That doesn't mean you didn't scare me,"  Jim fired back tearfully. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I know I did." Len tentatively rested a hand between Jim's shoulders. "And I'm sorry for that, but I couldn't make you watch-" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I almost did anyway! So how'd that work out for you?" Jim growled. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Len sighed defeatedly. "It didn't."</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm putting you on suicide watch for the next forty-eight hours." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leonard gaped at the Captain. "That's not necessary-" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't know if I believe that. I don't know if I can trust your judgement right now. I want to. I want to believe you, but right now I'm scared to. I'm scared to lose you, Bones. So for the next forty-eight hours you're either with me or you're with Chapel." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leonard nodded. "Understood." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry-" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry I broke your trust. I just hope that at the end of this you'll believe me." He left a small kiss on Jim's temple and moved to change for bed. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim ran a hand through his hair and wondered if he really was doing the right thing.</span>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. We're Okay</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>"What are you doing?" Jim questioned when Len stepped from the bathroom without his shirt, arms held slightly out. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm showing you my arms," Len answered, still holding out his hands, palms up. "It's protocol to monitor patients for indications of self harm after a suicide attempt." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim shook his head. "Put your shirt back on." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yessir," Len said quietly and pulled his night shirt over his head. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Bones, stop. I told you, it's informal." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"And I told you that's not what happened. If you don't need anything else, I'll head down to medbay." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You don't have to stay there. This is an informal watch." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"So I've heard. Goodnight, Captain." And with that Leonard was gone. Jim swore under his breath and threw his command tunic against the opposite wall. This had been a bad idea after all. But what did Bones expect him to think? He knew full well the extent of his injury and intentionally lied about it. It was like he didn't want to be found. Not to mention- Jim forced himself to slow his breathing. His temper was what had gotten him into this situation. Maybe it was a little harsh, putting Bones on a suicide watch- even an informal one. He wanted to be mad at him for being so...petty, but, well, maybe Jim deserved that. </span>
</p><p>
  
</p><p>
  <span>Jim knocked tentatively on the door before sticking his head inside. It was barely bright enough for him to see the outline of Bones's body on the bed. His back was to the door. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hey," he called softly before approaching. Bones didn't move. Jim sat on the edge of the bed and hesitated putting a hand on the other man's arm. An act that seemed so natural the day before now seemed intrusive. Jim rubbed his palms together and for a moment they sat in silence. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm sorry I didn't believe you," Jim finally spoke. "I want to say you scared me, but I know that's not an excuse to treat you like I did. I overreacted and I'm sorry. You don't have to stay here and you don't have to do the suicide watch. I shouldn't have called that in the first place and-" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I just wanted you to believe me," Len cut in quietly. "I never blamed you for being scared or getting mad at me. I just wanted you to believe me." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I know," Jim sighed. "I know." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You still don't believe me. Do you?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I don't know," he admitted. "I don't know what to think. Look-" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm really tired," Leonard cut in again, his voice sounding tight. "Can we talk about this tomorrow?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim froze and for a moment was too shocked to reply  "Yeah," he finally said. "Yeah, of course. I- I'll see you in the morning, then, I guess. I'm sorry if I bothered you." Jim stood and began to walk away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Wait." Jim half turned and watched Len sit up and face him. "Wait. I'm sorry. I don't want-" Len raked a hand through his hair and looked away. "I don't want you to go. I don't wanna be like that. I don't wanna push you away. I don't want you to feel like...you have to earn my forgiveness." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I know you wouldn't do that," Jim answered without coming closer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm not mad at you, I swear, I'm not. I just..." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Hurt that I didn't believe you," Jim filled in knowingly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leonard shook his head. "I hate that phrase," he spat.  "I hate-" he stopped and clenched his jaw. "I'm sorry, Jim. I..." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim turned the lights up just slightly. "What's going on, Bones?" He asked and came to stand closer. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"'I'm not angry, I'm hurt.'. I hate it." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You have every right to be hurt, Bones. And angry. I know I didn't react the best earlier, I should have at least heard you out. I don't blame you for being upset. I understand why you would be hurt-" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"But I don't wanna hurt you too," Len answered lowly. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim's face scrunched in confusion. "What are you talking about?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"I'm not...trying to punish you. I'm not. I swear, I'm not. I don't mean to be. I don't wanna do that." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Whoa! Bones, what are you talking about? I never thought you were. I-" he shook his head at a loss. "Are you ok?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Leonard swallowed hard before answering. "I don't wanna be like her." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim's face fell in realization. "You're not. I promise. I promise, you're not. Hey." He tugged Len into his arms and let him bury his face into his shoulder. Jim stroked the back of his head. "You're allowed to be hurt, and you're allowed to be angry, and it's okay for you to express those things. I didn't apologize because you made me feel guilty," Jim explained as he stepped back. "I apologized because I was wrong. I feel bad because I was wrong, because I </span>
  <em>
    <span>did</span>
  </em>
  <span> hurt you. Not because you've been guilt tripping me. Yeah, fine I could tell you were hurt, but not because you were going out of your way to show it. You weren't trying to hurt me with how much you were hurting. You were just hurt. There's nothing wrong with that, Bones." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"How do you know that?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim smiled. "I've been dumb enough that if you were doing those things it would have been obvious before now. Besides were you actively trying to do those things?" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Len shook his head. "I wasn't trying to-" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Then you weren't. That's not the kind of manipulation that happens on accident, pal. Look, I get where you're coming from, but I don't want you to feel like you can't express those things to me, ok? This right here?" Jim moved his hand back and forth between them. "This is good. It's ok that it took us a little while to get here." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Len dug the heel of his hand into his eye. "That psychology minor was a waste." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jim smiled softly at him. "No, it wasn't. You know these things, you just need a reminder sometimes. Most of what I told you is stuff you've told me before. Don't forget I took a few psych classes too, pal. It's just like those old brain cell jokes, only one of us can be using it at a time." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Len chuckled and shook his head. "Jim,-" </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"We're ok," he answered, giving Len's hand a squeeze. "You really should get some rest now though. Regen only does so much, y'know." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, think I've heard something like that before," Len rolled his eyes for good measure. "Thanks, Jim." </span>
</p><p>
  <span>"You're welcome, Bones." </span>
</p><p>
  <strong></strong>
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
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